God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
