you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
21 Women Compare Anal and Vaginal Sex
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?