i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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