why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
