the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
