plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
