Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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