We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
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I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
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At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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