I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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