evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
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Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
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I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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