New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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