Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
