I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
