My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
