apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
