um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
