...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
