We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
