Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
