The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
