you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
