i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
