I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
