the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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