I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
When are your genitals available?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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