she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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