My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you inspire me to be a worse person
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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