i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
