i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
