paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
