I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
