I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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