I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
