Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
