how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
