you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
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I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
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We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize