In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
