Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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