The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
