Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
