Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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