wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
