You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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