Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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