I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
