Cold hands, warm shart.
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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