i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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