I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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