The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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