She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
