I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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