i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
