We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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