Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
