I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
