Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
