too bad you live with your parents still
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
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We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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